Night

Night and I have a love/fear relationship
I love him, so
Long as he promises
Not to pursue me
Although he violates that covenant
A little more than
Either of us would like to realize.
He's a little secretive,
But sometimes he'll share
His whispers through the stars
Which laugh like dewdrops
Suspended in space
Dancing along with the cosmos.
Or he'll talk with a breeze
Twisting it's fingers up my arm and
Rushing down my spine in a chill
As we talk together.
Night has always loved hushed tones.
Other times he's silent,
His voice masked by tiptoes in the hall
Glimmering eyes without faces
Suspended in space,
Beasts moving only in periphery.
Shadows reaching out
Twisting their fingers up my arm
Rushing down my spine in a chill
Burrowing unwelcome into my lungs.
Night has always favored the forbidden.

Leaena Tigris
May 15, 2017

Remorse

It's that knot you feel in your stomach
When a certain song plays
Or the stabbing coming up underneath your chest
As you uncover traces of a memory
Like an archaeologist
Searching for your own past
Sifting through layers of old dust and dirt
Seeking out your own skeleton
It's the realization of how fragile things are
How just the right touch leads to fractures
How fractures lead to spiderweb lines
How those lines lead to shattering
How shattering produces shards
How shards become bullets
How bullets tear and cut and kill
How bullet wounds can heal
But maybe aren't the same
And is that okay?
Do you have a choice?
It has to be okay.

Our Memories

I still have my picture of you on my desk
And your box.
And your necklace.
Your flower wreath is on a chair to my left
But I want it on my wall.
I have your Icebear keychain,
The one you made at my house.
And the heart shaped rock
With our initials on it in Sharpie.
We talked about kids when we picked up that rock
I was looking for rocks to make terrariums with
But it seemed fitting
So I gave the heart to you.
We talked about me and my fears of never being enough
Of being so naturally flawed that things would never work out.
I'm sorry for being right.
You made Icebear over Spring Break
At my house
With my family
And a friend
And me.
And I want to believe that time wasn't a breeding ground for disaster
But I guess time will tell.
That flower wreath you gave me a few months ago
Has it only been months?
Twelve weeks and a day since then.

That's eighty-five days.

Fifty-five days ago, I asked for a break.

Forty-seven days ago, that break became permanent.

Your dad helped you make that wreath

And I know I'll never get to see him.

Or your mom.

Or your sister.

Or the times we could have had.

I haven't worn the necklace since then.

I don't feel like I have a right to any more.

But I have the box.

Saol.

Mo Gra.

Mo Gach Rud.

I can't claim those things any more.

But I can't bring myself to put them away.

And that picture I have is the same one that's on the front of your book

That was on the front of our phones

That was us.

There's light in your eyes and a smile on my face

And now it puts pain in my heart

Because I gave that up

And I miss it

I miss you

It's gone.

Leaena Tigris
November 19, 2016

Boundaries

I'm building up walls
(I'm sorry)
I can't give you what you want
I can't be what you want
(You won't stop wanting)

I'm more distanced than you realize
(I think)
I'm not allowing myself to reciprocate
How could I?
(Was it a series of lies?)

I don't believe your words
(How can I?)
They're sweet, but I fear they're poison
You're only after what you want
(Is that too harsh a sentence?)

You wait for me to come home
(Where is my home?)
I'm struggling to breathe
It's a little like drowning in air
(Stop holding on so tightly)

(P.S. Stop wanting me)

Leaena Tigris
November 13, 2016

Silhouette Apology

I've seen this image before.
There's a silhouette walking away
A hand reaching
Grasping for the unattainable.
I've always seen my hand
Straining for a thing leaving me behind.
I never thought I'd be your silhouette.

Leaena Tigris
November 13, 2016

Hidden

I found a place to hide away
Burrowing under covers
From monsters and demons (and me)
And if I could stay here, I would
And not have to see the pain on your face
The way I've seen joy on your face
In those pictures of you and me.
I told a friend I was tired of that joy
Because love means pain means apathy
Because people can only take so much scarring
Before they lose their sense of purpose
Or hopefulness
Or agency.
And I wish there was something more than this
Hitting walls at every turn
Turning until exhaustion
Exhausting every option just hoping
That maybe this time the road leads home
And if breaking made you stronger
I feel like I should be invincible
But instead all I see are fragments
And fragile, threatened promises.
So I found a place to hide away
Reading old poetry
Rehearsing broken lines
Remembering what they meant
Who they were meant for
Decrypting my codes
Missing ones I've left (or did they leave me?)
Wishing my stomach would untwist
Wondering what could have been
Cowering under blankets
Hiding from something (it's nothing)
Wondering how many more waves I'll (make you) face
Before I just give in

Leaena Tigris

October 9, 2016

Tiger Stripes

They suit you well,
These tiger stripes
Swollen red
On softer white.
Uneven marks
Your pattern true,
Strength (or weakness)
Showing through.
Symbolic lines
Thick or thin
A stripe for each
New casual sin.

Leaena Tigris
September 26, 2016
(The Creek)