Night

Night and I have a love/fear relationship
I love him, so
Long as he promises
Not to pursue me
Although he violates that covenant
A little more than
Either of us would like to realize.
He's a little secretive,
But sometimes he'll share
His whispers through the stars
Which laugh like dewdrops
Suspended in space
Dancing along with the cosmos.
Or he'll talk with a breeze
Twisting it's fingers up my arm and
Rushing down my spine in a chill
As we talk together.
Night has always loved hushed tones.
Other times he's silent,
His voice masked by tiptoes in the hall
Glimmering eyes without faces
Suspended in space,
Beasts moving only in periphery.
Shadows reaching out
Twisting their fingers up my arm
Rushing down my spine in a chill
Burrowing unwelcome into my lungs.
Night has always favored the forbidden.

Leaena Tigris
May 15, 2017

Remorse

It's that knot you feel in your stomach
When a certain song plays
Or the stabbing coming up underneath your chest
As you uncover traces of a memory
Like an archaeologist
Searching for your own past
Sifting through layers of old dust and dirt
Seeking out your own skeleton
It's the realization of how fragile things are
How just the right touch leads to fractures
How fractures lead to spiderweb lines
How those lines lead to shattering
How shattering produces shards
How shards become bullets
How bullets tear and cut and kill
How bullet wounds can heal
But maybe aren't the same
And is that okay?
Do you have a choice?
It has to be okay.

Our Memories

I still have my picture of you on my desk
And your box.
And your necklace.
Your flower wreath is on a chair to my left
But I want it on my wall.
I have your Icebear keychain,
The one you made at my house.
And the heart shaped rock
With our initials on it in Sharpie.
We talked about kids when we picked up that rock
I was looking for rocks to make terrariums with
But it seemed fitting
So I gave the heart to you.
We talked about me and my fears of never being enough
Of being so naturally flawed that things would never work out.
I'm sorry for being right.
You made Icebear over Spring Break
At my house
With my family
And a friend
And me.
And I want to believe that time wasn't a breeding ground for disaster
But I guess time will tell.
That flower wreath you gave me a few months ago
Has it only been months?
Twelve weeks and a day since then.

That's eighty-five days.

Fifty-five days ago, I asked for a break.

Forty-seven days ago, that break became permanent.

Your dad helped you make that wreath

And I know I'll never get to see him.

Or your mom.

Or your sister.

Or the times we could have had.

I haven't worn the necklace since then.

I don't feel like I have a right to any more.

But I have the box.

Saol.

Mo Gra.

Mo Gach Rud.

I can't claim those things any more.

But I can't bring myself to put them away.

And that picture I have is the same one that's on the front of your book

That was on the front of our phones

That was us.

There's light in your eyes and a smile on my face

And now it puts pain in my heart

Because I gave that up

And I miss it

I miss you

It's gone.

Leaena Tigris
November 19, 2016

Boundaries

I'm building up walls
(I'm sorry)
I can't give you what you want
I can't be what you want
(You won't stop wanting)

I'm more distanced than you realize
(I think)
I'm not allowing myself to reciprocate
How could I?
(Was it a series of lies?)

I don't believe your words
(How can I?)
They're sweet, but I fear they're poison
You're only after what you want
(Is that too harsh a sentence?)

You wait for me to come home
(Where is my home?)
I'm struggling to breathe
It's a little like drowning in air
(Stop holding on so tightly)

(P.S. Stop wanting me)

Leaena Tigris
November 13, 2016

Silhouette Apology

I've seen this image before.
There's a silhouette walking away
A hand reaching
Grasping for the unattainable.
I've always seen my hand
Straining for a thing leaving me behind.
I never thought I'd be your silhouette.

Leaena Tigris
November 13, 2016

Hidden

I found a place to hide away
Burrowing under covers
From monsters and demons (and me)
And if I could stay here, I would
And not have to see the pain on your face
The way I've seen joy on your face
In those pictures of you and me.
I told a friend I was tired of that joy
Because love means pain means apathy
Because people can only take so much scarring
Before they lose their sense of purpose
Or hopefulness
Or agency.
And I wish there was something more than this
Hitting walls at every turn
Turning until exhaustion
Exhausting every option just hoping
That maybe this time the road leads home
And if breaking made you stronger
I feel like I should be invincible
But instead all I see are fragments
And fragile, threatened promises.
So I found a place to hide away
Reading old poetry
Rehearsing broken lines
Remembering what they meant
Who they were meant for
Decrypting my codes
Missing ones I've left (or did they leave me?)
Wishing my stomach would untwist
Wondering what could have been
Cowering under blankets
Hiding from something (it's nothing)
Wondering how many more waves I'll (make you) face
Before I just give in

Leaena Tigris

October 9, 2016

Tiger Stripes

They suit you well,
These tiger stripes
Swollen red
On softer white.
Uneven marks
Your pattern true,
Strength (or weakness)
Showing through.
Symbolic lines
Thick or thin
A stripe for each
New casual sin.

Leaena Tigris
September 26, 2016
(The Creek)

War

The Fox and Wolf are warring, my child
Take cover from their blows
Tooth and claw and furious eyes
Their conflict, silent, grows

The Fox and Wolf are warring, my boy
They cannot be consoled
A shadow lives on from the past
And darkness fills the soul

The Fox and Wolf are warring, my dear
They hunt beneath the skin
Your maiden, in secret, longs for you
She stretches out her hand

The Fox and Wolf are warring, my love
And discontentment reigns
They shred her heart and tear her mind
She longs for you in vain

Leaena Tigris

July 30, 2016

Nightmares

He fell in love with a nightmare
The same way he fell in love with me
That crashing, caving kind of feeling
Of pure mortality

An addict with a pen
Crashing into the wind
And everything is falling
And everything is out of hand

And everything
Is lost.


2014, October
Leaena

Space

I'm staring off into empty space
Like the empty space behind my eyes
Like the empty space between the lines
That begs me to fill it with words I can't find.
There's something out there, something I can't see yet
Some emotion for this empty chest
Something that matters, some sort of rest
Something more than a hollow goodbye
But "goodbye." There's nothing left...

Fine

How can everything be so fine?
How can you keep smiling
And pretending like everything's alright?
Can I even start to count all of the times
That you've stared at me and said
Those very same lies
Like neither of us are afraid?
And when you look into my eyes
Can you not see the fear
Or the sadness or that I'm terrorized?
How can everything be so grandly aligned,
And if this is all some plan
Then where's the design?
And how can you just look at me and smile?
As if you don't feel the hurt
And neither of us is in denial.
The world is cruel and black and cold
And it's ripping you away from me
And I'm scared that I might let go
And I'm terrified of losing you
Just like I'm terrified to face my own soul
As it screams and it cries out
"Just leave me alone!"
....but when you look at me and I sigh?
I change it to one of contentment
Like the pleasure is all mine
And like the pressure is bearable
And like these are not the same eyes that cry
And when you ask me.....
Of course.
"I'm fine."

Do You Hear Him...

Does it heal you to hear His flesh tear all over again?
Does it feel right when the ground drinks in His blood?
Drive the nails deeper
Drive the crown further
The broken Son of Man
Betrayed once again.
Do you smile again as He cries out?
Does it make you proud to see your work?
Your sins hung Him there
You hang Him again
Crushing His heart
With the weight of your darkness
Do you hear His words still?
Can you make out His voice?
It's rising above the earthquake
Louder than the ripping of the veil.
Can you hear Him?
"I love you anyway."

Weight

That it would weigh so heavily on my soul
That I'd be unable to let it go
That I'd be so careful in bearing the weight
That I would be terrified of sharing that fate
Of regressing, of failing, of giving up hope
I want so badly to chase it, I want so badly to know
I want to fall into the arms of my God
But it seems so far to run
It seems so impossible that I be forgiven
So difficult for me to become undone
"At the cross of Christ I know
That death has lost its place"
It's so much easier when you're not staring at the pit
That threatens to be your friend's grave
Jesus please save me!
I'm in need of Your grace!
Without You I'm hopeless
And I cannot be saved.
Christ rescue my sisters
Pull them out from the dark
Show them the light You showed me
When you purified my heart
Oh Jesus please forgive me!
The weight that is my sin!
That is the shame of apathy
That keeps the darkness in
Jesus save Your daughters!
Let Your blood cover theirs
Keep the shadows from their minds, dear God
Hold them close and Christ keep them!
My God I trust Your mercy
I desperately need Your grace
Your kindness, wholeness, purity
Christ Jesus I need Your strength
Restore me, oh my Savior,
As I pursue Your loving heart
Jesus watch Your children
And rescue us from harm.

October 17, 2013
Leaena Tigris

Be One!

Be one, oh Bride
Be filled with life
Be healed, be healers
Be unified
Be one, oh Bride
Move, breathe in time
Love all in your midst
Fulfill your design

Not made to judge or blame
Not made to condemn
Conviction by the Word and Spirit
Unity through Him
When Jesus Christ came down, oh earth
Did you shiver in your place?
As the Son of Man's blood fell
Did you cry out for His grace?

Be one, oh Bride
Be filled with Fire
Be prophets and preachers
Be unified
Be one, oh Bride
Look to the sky
Let the fullness of Grace
Become your desire.

October 11, 2013
Leaena Tigris

"Doors guarded against the gates of Hell can do nothing when the shadow is in your midst."


Poem inspired by John 20:20-23...

"My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me..."

... and "Horrified" by Matt Chandler: www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXA6y4I5Vgk

Exciting News, Guys!

NANOWRIMO IS HERE, EVERYONE!!!!

Do you know what that means? No? Well, shame on you. National Novel Writing Month is a challenge for writers everywhere to join together in a quest for awesomeness. People all over the world enlist in this wonderful journey. Our goal? To write a 50,000 word novel in one month. Difficult? Yes. Time consuming? Of course. Dangerous? Very likely so. Worth it? Always.

So, as you may have guessed, I'm in. I've grabbed my coffee, pen, laptop, and creativity and I'm ready to go. My novel is called Ashen Lion. It's a semi-philosophical story based on what could have been true events. It's my first time trying out realistic fiction, so I'm apprehensive, but it'll be a good experience. And guess what I couldn't do it without? That's write (hehe, that's a pun). Nanowrimo.

In honor of this great program, and the month of November, I'm changing my font to this. And I'm fundraising. Nano is run by a nonprofit called The Office of Letters and Light. They rely on donations to keep NaNoWriMo running, and I've decided to help them out. For more information about my fundraising and goals or to donate, go to stayclassy.com/nanoashenlion. I'll also have updates on my novel progress there, a link to my official Nanowrimo page, and other stuff. If you don't go, don't worry. You'll probably just crush my spirits and make me cry. And I'll probably never write ever again. So no pressure.

Thanks guys! I'm super excited about this month. Ima rock this thing!!!

Leaena Tigris

Gummy Bears

At the request of my darling Quacksapup, I created a poem with a triple rhyme scheme. About gummy bears..... That type of rhyming scheme is super hard for me to write. And it's 2:40 AM. 

(( _ _ ))..zzzZZ

Red, Green, Yellow, Clear

The sugary treats do bring a tear

And the best time of all is when they are here

Orange, Yellow, Clear, and Red

I think I dropped one beneath my bed

Should I get another...? No I'll eat this one instead. 

Yellow, Orange, Red, Green

What kind of poem is this you see?

One about gummy bears, rhymed in threes. 

August 2, 2013

Leaena Tigris

Three Poems, One Message: Walls

W ars are fought  and  we  all choose side S

E very      day       we       risk       it       al L

A nd  we   start   to  see   the   unindividua L

L ike   a    pit      where     lives    a    cobr A

L ike    a    war   where    time    will    slo W

B ringing  more pain  than we  want to bea R

U nable  to  fight  the  fear,   to   push   thr U

I cy caves protect  from  ghosts  that  ech O

L ives    spent    searching   for   the    hel P

D ying       right       in       front       of       U

Wars are fought and we all choose sides

Each to their own private lives

All the emotions carefully stored

Looking for relief from emotional swords

Little daggers that stick beneath the skin

Blood pouring out, pain rushing in

Up go the walls, our guardian gates

In a frantic attempt to run and escape

Lies overcome like sun blocked by clouds

Defenses constructed as others surround

Until this moment, this taste of betrayal

People were seen through a wondrous veil

Out seeped the demons though every crack

Until you first witnessed the white turned to black

Realizing that people would hurt if let close

We build up our fortress to maintain our hope

All the time wishing we could be set free

Let these prisons all crumble, let us see, let us breathe

Let the people join together, that no one might fall

Still our vision is contained inside of our walls

Wars are fought and wE all choose sides
Building cAstLes around our Lives
To harBor the gUILt that we cannot Deny
Unexposed behind the coveruP so carefully contrived
To lOck others oUt we so often tRy
Instead We reALize we're captured deepLy inSide.

Remembering that a friend of mine had once written a double acrostic poem, and feeling I should rise to meet his standard, I tried one of my own. I found that wasn't working out too well (turns out not many words end in U so I had to cheat...), I decided I'd make it a single acrostic. From there I had another idea which is the last of these poems. Three poems, one message. We all build up our walls.

Life's Masquerade

All painted faces

And perfected scenes

Colored glass windows

Where light flows in streams

Gentlemen bowing

And ladies curtsy

This is the dance

Of kings and of queens

Lovely silk dresses

And beautiful coats

Wonderful music

With enchanted notes

Each step is chosen

Each word carefully

All is in order

And flows to the beat

This is reality

This is what's fake

This is the marvel

Of life's masquerade

The Body of Christ

Beaten down and broken

Thrown onto the ground

Threatened, whipped, and torn

Attacked by all around

By some who are believers

By some who've turned away

By some who don't know the Gospel

By some who hate His name

But because His body is broken

Because His blood flows out

Redemption emerges from suffering 

And the hope of salvation is found. 

This poem has two meanings. One is the crucifixion, which I think is slightly more obvious. The other is based off of a realization I had a few days ago. There's a quote from Mattie Montgomery, "Christ didn't die on the cross so you didn't have to. He did it to show you how." A lot of people have or will turn from Christianity because of persecution or because it's hard. But we are the Body of Christ, the body that was broken and beaten and torn. We are His hands and feet that were pierced. And because we are attacked, because we are persecuted, His love and mercy shines through us and Salvation flows out to cover those who would come against us.

In Christ Alone.

Leaena Tigris

June 30, 2013

The Night

The sky is more than black, little child. 

More than a moon and circles of lights.

More than crisscrossing lines 

And darker shades. 

The sky is more than gradient, small one.

More than a place we've yet to explore

More than monsters that lurk

Under your bed. 

The night is more than silence, my dearest. 

More than a moment of being alone

More than a breath you take

And let go again...